sometimes you need more than 140 characters.

Have you ever had thoughts in your head that just need to be released?  I’ve been having those moments a lot lately.  Maybe it’s because I haven’t been releasing creative energy as much as I would like to this summer.  Maybe it’s the belly full of rice pilaf that I had been craving.  Maybe it’s the blog that I just read, which inspired me.  Or maybe it’s the series of unfortunate events that have surrounded me recently.   

I always think about blogging and how inspirational and intellectual I’d like it to be,  but when I sit down the words just don’t come out.  I could think the most beautiful words but they don’t seem to connect with my finger tips.   I spend a lot of time staring at my words in confusion, but they usually just aren’t what I intended them to be.  

I always envision my posts to be life-changing.  But in the end I don’t think they really affect anyone but me.  I think that bothers me, I want this to be something people read and then walk away reflecting on their own life.  

Ever since I first saw the movie “In The Land Of Women” I’ve had this idea that every letter I write or every blog I post has to be this beautiful script that can be put on some sort of pedestal.  ”The type of letter that everyone should receive once in their life”.  

Is it fear?  Fear of embarrassment?  Fear that I shouldn’t say too much on some website?  Probably.  

There are plenty of things I’d love to type, but frankly don’t have the guts to do so.  

Well, if I’ve learned anything from Synecdoche, New York (a movie that is nothing short of perfection, which I have previously blogged about) it is that “…the truth is I’m so angry and the truth is I’m so fucking sad, and the truth is I’ve been so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long have been pretending I’m OK, just to get along, just for, I don’t know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own, and their own is too overwhelming to allow them to listen to or care about mine. Well, fuck everybody. Amen. “

So here goes.

I can’t help but think who’s going to go next.  I feel horrible for thinking this way, but the thought is far more apparent now than ever before.  I’m only 21, I shouldn’t think this way, right?  Or is it better to think this way?  Will we appreciate life and the people we love more now?  Will we stop taking things for granted?  

I want to accomplish so much in such a short amount of time, but I can’t help but wonder when my time will come.  Or when anyone’s time will come.  Life has freaked me out since I was little.  It is by far the most confusing thing I’ve ever experienced.  I’m not sure I understand any aspect of it really, I try to, but it just continues to throw me knuckle balls.  It seems like we were thrown into this world we were never meant to understand, and spend most of our time here trying to figure out something we’ll never grasp.    

My relationship with life is a lot like my relationship with math.  You could explain every formula to me in vivid detail, but at the end of the day that side of my brain is far less sufficient than the other and fully comprehending it is just a task I’d rather not attempt to complete.  

Well enough babbling for now, a small weight has been lifted.  Here’s to more honest posts.  

Ciao.

Brianna

~ by bboogie on June 17, 2009.